NEW SCRIPT: MISERABLE
MISERABLE
INT. DERELICT HOUSE. MIDDAY.
(Two men in dirtied suits and ties sit on the floor of the house, surrounded by rubble and general filth. The first man, ELF, wears sunglasses, no blazer, and has taken his shoes off. He has a pistol tucked in the front of his trousers. The second man, MAGNOLIA, wears a complete suit, his gun lays on the floor next to him and his sunglasses hang from his collar. ELF thumbs a cigarette from his pocket.)
ELF
Miserable fucking day innit.
MAGNOLIA
What, and you having a fag is gunna cheer it up?
ELF
You want one?
MAGNOLIA
Nah.
ELF
What do you mean, ‘nah’?
MAGNOLIA
I quit.
ELF
Oh yeah? (Standing) When?
MAGNOLIA
Yesterday
ELF
Oh well done, that’s an achievement.
MAGNOLIA
Piss off, I’ve still quit haven’t I?
ELF
When can we leave?
MAGNOLIA
Give it an hour.
ELF
A fucking hour? You kidding?
MAGNOLIA
It’s one hour, Elf. It’s not the end of the world.
ELF
Yeah but imagine what you could do with an hour?
MAGNOLIA
Not a lot, to be honest... it’s really not much time.
ELF
It is though... especially with you- every second feels like a fucking minute.
MAGNOLIA
Because I am clearly the one being a prick here.
ELF
Yeah... you sit there all bored with your little- little fucking bottom lip sticking out.
MAGNOLIA
Alright... whatever...
ELF
I’ll be back in a sec.
MAGNOLIA
Don't fucking go outside.
ELF
Why not?
MAGNOLIA
Can you just sit still for one hour- that is all I’m asking.
ELF
We’ve literally been here for like a year.
MAGNOLIA
Three hours... we’ve been here for three hours...
ELF
Ugh. I’m so bored.
MAGNOLIA
Come here, put the fag away, sit down and shut up.
ELF
Since when were you my fucking boss?
MAGNOLIA
I’m not and I’m not saying I am- but you are a liability and right now you’re endangering both me and yourself. I’m just trying to keep us both alive.
ELF
Mag- I'm not being funny- but the cops have gone. No way are they still hanging around here. They’ll be doing a distance sweep by now.
MAGNOLIA
What do you mean ‘distance sweep’?
ELF
Like going around the city and that, if they haven’t checked a building like a few metres from the bank yet they clearly won’t check it now.
MAGNOLIA
Elf, I’m asking you to fight your fag addiction for literally fifty minutes and just sit still. And take that gun out your trousers, knowing you you’ll shoot your cock off somehow.
ELF
How stupid do you think I am?
MAGNOLIA
Do you really want me to answer that?
ELF
Why do you think I’m a moron?
MAGNOLIA
Because you haven’t done anything to prove otherwise yet. First you botched the getaway, you botched the job, you botched the hostages and now you’re threatening to botch this too-
ELF
How?
MAGNOLIA
Are you kidding? You set fire to the car-
ELF
I already told you, someone put a rag in the engine and set fire to it, that wasn’t on me.
MAGNOLIA
You took the empty money bag instead of the one you literally watched me fill up-
ELF
You should’ve been much clearer when you said ‘take the bag’.
MAGNOLIA
You shot the hostage-
ELF
That was a horrific misunderstanding.
MAGNOLIA
And now you and your fags are going to get us caught.
ELF
Not really, I feel like you’re being very unfair on me.
MAGNOLIA
You got Livingstone killed too- how could I forget Livingstone?
ELF
Livingstone- oh come on he- he was a liability too.
MAGNOLIA
He was a liability? Maybe he was- but he wasn’t the one who set fire to the car, took the wrong bag, murdered a hostage and got Livingstone fucking killed.
ELF
Alright! So I fucked up once or twice! But you can't just keep holding it against me.
MAGNOLIA
I can’t hold it against you?
ELF
No you can’t.
MAGNOLIA
Why not?
ELF
Because-
MAGNOLIA
Because you’re a giant fuck up who’s gunna get us both killed?
ELF
No- because I’m trying my best and that’s all you can do.
MAGNOLIA
Are you a fucking primary school teacher? Grow up. Accept some responsibility for your mistakes.
ELF
I’m sorry. Okay, I’m really, really sorry...
MAGNOLIA
Sometimes sorry isn’t good enough. Look, the best thing you can do right now is get the fuck away from me... and once we can leave in fifty minutes- I never want to see your face again.
(ELF walks toward the door, and steps out into the back garden. The door is left open. ELF takes out a cigarette and finally takes the drag he has been waiting for. MAGNOLIA sits watching him through the open door, his gaze falls upon the pistol laying next to him.
For a while he just stares at it.
He slowly reaches for it, racking the slide, and raising it until ELF is directly within the sights.
MAGNOLIA’s finger twitches against the trigger.)
(ELF abruptly turns)
ELF
You reckon we could- HOLY FUCK!
MAGNOLIA
(Raising his hands in surrender) NO-NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!
(ELF fumbles for his pistol, grabbing at the handle. While it is still tucked firmly in his trousers, it goes off. There is a long uncomfortable pause.)
What did you just do?
ELF
I think- I think I just... shot my dick off.
MAGNOLIA
Okay, okay- you're- you're going to be fine just-just- no calm down. Calm down. Calm. Calm. Deep breaths yeah? In, out. Now slowly- SLOWLY- take the gun out of your trousers- slowly. Slowly- slowly- SLOWLY. Finger off the trigger- yep off- slow. Yeah... that’s it. Now just lay it down- nice and slow. Okay... okay...
(ELF slowly removes a blood soaked hand with the pistol still gripped in it. He lays the weapon on the floor.)
ELF
I shot my dick...
MAGNOLIA
Yeah- yes you did... I’ll- I’ll call Tony- he'll get a doctor or something. A hospital. We can get you a- a- a- a hospital and you’ll be okay. Say it back.
ELF
Call Tony, get doctor, you’ll be okay...
MAGNOLIA
No you’ll be okay...
ELF
You’ll be okay...
MAGNOLIA
No as in ‘I will be okay’ but you say it...
ELF
I’ll be okay...
MAGNOLIA
Yeah... you will. Now I’m gunna call him.
(MAGNOLIA produces his phone, and calls Tony)
ELF
(Looking down his trousers) Oh my God... Magnolia... Magnolia! I shot my cock off! Oh my God!
MAGNOLIA
I said calm! (Tony picks up.)
TONY (V.O.)
Yep.
MAGNOLIA
Yeah- we need- Elf he shot- he shot his own-
ELF
My cock! It’s in two pieces! Look Mag- fucking look!
(ELF unbuckles his trousers)
MAGNOLIA
Don’t bloody- don't show me for God’s sake...
TONY (V.O.)
What’s the issue Mag?
MAGNOLIA
Elf shot his own dick- he's going to- there's a fair bit of blood and he’s-
TONY (V.O.)
What?
ELF
(With his trousers about his waist) Look! Look!
MAGNOLIA
Put it away Elf! Put that back in your trousers!
TONY (V.O.)
What is going on Mag. Talk to me?
MAGNOLIA
Elf shot his own dick and we- we need a doctor. Now.
ELF
Look at my cock Mag, look at it! It’s in two! (Holding his dismembered penis in his hand)
MAGNOLIA
For God's sake- put your cock away Elf!
TONY (V.O.)
I’ll trace the location and send a car- it'll be there in ten. I won’t even ask.
MAGNOLIA
Please just send the car- put it away Elf!
ELF
Straight down the middle! Clean in two! In two!
TONY (V.O.)
Car’s inbound. (He hangs up)
MAGNOLIA
Thank you- now put it back- put it in your pocket. Put it away, Elf.
ELF
Oh fuck... oh shit... fine... (He begins hoisting his trousers up) fine...
MAGNOLIA
We’re going to be okay, Elf. I know it... come here...
ELF
I don’t want to... (Placing his severed penis in his pocket)
MAGNOLIA
Fucking come here then... (MAGNOLIA opens his arms and beckons ELF. The two embrace.)
ELF
I’m sorry... I’m so sorry...
MAGNOLIA
You’re okay now Elf... you’re okay now... you’re bleeding really slow... really slow...
ELF
Okay... okay...
MAGNOLIA
It’ll take you days to die form an injury like that... you’ll live Elf, you’ll live. Okay? (They break the embrace)
(A car is heard driving past very slowly. MAGNOLIA and ELF both pause and listen carefully. MAGNOLIA draws his pistol. The car halts outside, we hear the brakes screech. ELF whimpers, grabbing at MAGNOLIA’s sleeve. They hear the car door open, and somebody exits, walking toward them. They only hear the footsteps grow louder. MAGNOLIA tracks the unknown person's movement with his gun pointed where he would be. The footsteps tend toward the door. The footsteps stop just before the unknown person reaches the door. The unknown person can still not be seen. MAGNOLIA and ELF do not move, completely frozen in fear. The figure steps through the open door, and before the figure is even identifiable, MAGNOLIA fires. The figure drops to the floor. Silence.)
ELF
Holy shit. Mag... you killed him...
MAGNOLIA
Shit...
(MAGNOLIA approaches the body, and bends down.)
He’s not a cop...
ELF
What?
MAGNOLIA
He’s not a cop... which means...
ELF
The driver?
MAGNOLIA
Oh... shit...
ELF
You shot the driver? You shot the driver?
MAGNOLIA
Oh... oh no...
ELF
What will Tony do? What will he do?
MAGNOLIA
Oh god...
ELF
He’s going to kill us... isn’t he? He’ll kill us both... oh SHIT
MAGNOLIA
(Slowly raising the pistol to his head) I shouldn’t have... I shouldn’t have...
ELF
Mag? What are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? Are you mental?
MAGNOLIA
Am I mental? Are you kidding me? I’d be more mental if I stayed alive... Tony- if we survive this- Tony will rip our skin off and gut us if he found out about this... and to believe that he won’t find out is just stupid too... we’re both fucked- the both of us... may as well end it on our own terms hey, Elf?
ELF
No... are you kidding?
MAGNOLIA
Not being funny Elf, but even if I hadn’t just shot the driver, we were dead men walking anyhow. You really think there would be no backlash for how bad you fucked this up... it’s childish to believe we can live through this... there have to be consequences Elf... there have to be... and this is ours.
ELF
It doesn’t have to be- it doesn’t...
MAGNOLIA
I’m doing it whether you do or not... just be honest with yourself Elf... we’re already done... already done...
(He pushes the pistol in his mouth and fires, dropping dead. ELF stares blankly into space, turning away from MAGNOLIA’s body. He stands in the chaos for a moment, before removing his penis from his pocket and holding it. He begins to cry and falls to the floor in tears.)
CUT TO BLACK
Why this script? I decided to take a simpler approach to narrative with my new script, heavily taking from Reservoir Dogs by Tarantino inspiring the idea of a single room drama between two incompetent bank robbers. Magnolia and Elf very much act as a comic duo, with Magnolia as the straight man and Elf as his goofy sidekick. This idea is similar to that of the 'BLT' script written prior with two criminals of similar archetypes. This felt like a good script to use as it is simple, effective, humorous and works with similar ideas explored in earlier scripts (including my very first 'Cigarette Break'). It seemed like a good balance, essentially. Albeit a complete departure from 'Blue' which is honestly what I think I needed. It was just too ambitious for a first short film. I will now begin working on this as a storyboard, taking the pictures as soon as possible. I will upload a shot list and location list too.
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